So yet again I’m late on posting this but better late than never I guess… I’m finally pleased to say that as of April 4th I’m no longer married.. And do you know what I’m still alive. Still smiling. Still doing what I do. I cannot lie and say that I don’t have the odd wobble, in fact a few days before I received this letter I called an old pal of mine mid “breakdown”. I was breaking my own heart at the fear of getting this news. I knew it was coming and the thought of it, my marriage, being final filled my stomach with the darkest of dreads imaginable.
I called this specific friend as she has recently been through a divorce, she knows me and (sadly) him too. In that moment I needed someone who got it. Someone who wouldn’t judge me, or worse be concerned about me. As strange as that sounds that was and is still a big worry for me- God knows my friends and family have endured enough holding me upright of late that I just cant put them through anymore. So I picked my sounding board accordingly.
Anyway it turns out she was the best person to call, she totally talked me down from the ledge. I explained to her how I felt, the darkness consuming me, the dizzying confusion, the deep deep sadness. How I couldn’t understand why I felt so sad, so unhappy about thought of the end when really it was over two years ago, or even long before that, after all it was never real to begin with. I wasn’t sad about him, or was I? Help me!!
My little yoda explained to me that the sadness is due to me grieving for the life that I knew, that I built, that I loved. The life that was taken away from me. The life that will never be. 11 years of shared dreams, secrets, fears, desires, fantasies. All those nights spent planning and moving forward toward our very own happy ending, the one in which we joked about him pushing me in a wheelchair (on account of my crappy joints and dodgy back gained from years of dancing), along the beach to watch the sunset. All now just words floating on the mist, dreams dreamt never never to be realised.
This was the cause of my tears. Not any level of pain caused by a lost love. And do you know what she was, is so right. Once I stopped over thinking; trying to understand what my sadness meant, it all made sense. So then only a couple of days later when the letter arrived I filed it right away with the mountains of paperwork caused by the various lawyers I have funded over this past 18 months and got on with my day. No drama no fuss. Full stop. And life goes on.
From here on out April 25th is no longer my wedding anniversary but rather just another day. It’s deleted from my diary, but will always sadly be in my memory.
I’d like to end this post with two notes, firstly to my yoda. Thank you. Your strength, empathy and wisdom helped me find that final peice of the puzzle that I so desperately needed to move on. And move on I have. Love you J!
Secondly to all the Ladies out there who find themselves in this state. Know this; it’s normal, it’s temporary, and you will get past it. Please, please do not confuse sadness with a need to take him back. Do not allow the pain to take over you, it’s cancerous and it will swollow you whole. Lean on your friends, family, and this little blog sphere of ours to find your strength for us.
Onwards and upwards is the only way!!