Fear

Sky’s above

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Up here in this moment all is calm. Pastel blue sky’s as far as the eye can see. The only mark on this vast mass of Mother Nature at her best are the mallow clouds backlight by the early spring sun. 

I can breath. Up here away from it all I can relax take a moment to just sit. Not to think. Not worry. Not fret. None of it matters, not up here. 

But soon I will be on the ground again. And the troubles will return. My inner turmoil will rise up once more like soldiers on the front line ready for the next phase of battle to commence. Always alert, always on guard. 

For some time I have said that I know he won’t let me get away with beating him in the divorce; that this war was far from over.  I may just be about to deal him his next hand.

My boo and I are en route to our beloved Germany. And although I’m hugely, overwhelmingly excited to see my friends, to date my beautiful city of Nuremberg, to be alone in this familiar space. I am petrified to my core. 

My last contact with him (via the lawyers) resulted in another round of threats against me. Threats from him to take Legal action against me in some vain attempt to scare me, to make me the bad guy, to justify his own behaviour.  No basis, no reason, no provocation or cause just because he can and he has before.  And it worked then. Why wouldn’t he try again?  Now he has no control nor has he had any reaction from me and he just can’t stand it. He will do all he can to cause me pain to make his own feel less isolated, he knows no different. 

I try where I can, up here to empty my mind if these thoughts.  It’s impossible. As we fly closer and closer to our destination my pulse starts to gain pace. The anticipation of passport control, the how do I protect my son from seeing this happen, the embarrassment of being hauled away by the German airport police for some crime I never committed- I’ll spend months and thousands of euros to fight nothing more than an outlandish allegation, well it literally brings my heart out of my chest – bile boiling up in my throat. 

So why am I going? Feeling like this why on earth would I do this to myself?  

My boo needs this. Deserves this. So do I. We were forced out of a life we loved, a life we created. Gone forever through no fault of our own, and I need to claim it back for him.  

Secondly I refuse to let this fear hold me back. If that’s what happens it happens. I have no control. But neither will he. He will take joy, pleasure no doubt that his latest plan worked but he will see that no matter what he does I will stand back up again. It may take a while but I will.

I have to show him that I won’t continue to live in the shadows of his darkness. I won’t allow him to cast his depression over me, his grief and his pain is his to keep and I refuse to allow him to inflict it upon me.

Yet here I am writing this. With no plan to actually post until we are safely back in Great Bretannia- just in case! 

Well maybe I’m not that brave… Or possibly I’m just being sensible… Yes that’s it. I’ll go and enjoy myself safe in knowledge that he has no clue.. Simply I’m not going to kick the hornets nest. 

Written in the sky’s above on March 18th on the way to Munich. Posted upon return on Sunday 20th

 

Stranger Danger

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As children we are warned of the boogie man, the stranger offering sweets on the streets, the man alone in the park. We are taught to protect ourselves from the dangers of the unknown. The dark side of society, portrayed as the big bad wolf hiding, lurking in the shadows. We are armed with knowledge and we tighten our defences.

Then we grow up. We dream of love. We imagine our own fantasy fairy tale. The picture perfect partner to share our lives with. Someone to cherish, challenge, support and respect. We long for butterflies in the tummy; a passion that leaves our mouths dry and palms sweaty. We live for that racing heart and trembling legs euphoria of real unfiltered love. Of course we kiss a few frogs along the way, and we all suffer from soul sucking heart-break somewhere down the road. And it changes us. We learn, we grown, we go back to protection mode as taught to us in our youth. But then, there he is…your person. The other side of you. Your complete; in perfect harmony together. We open ourselves up. We give ourselves freely. You trust him with your heart, your soul, your secrets, your dreams, your deepest desires…your fears. You are at your most vulnerable. But that’s ok, those lessons mamma taught you don’t apply here.

Right?

After all you know him. You know everything about him. Don’t you?

So what happens when these two opposing worlds collide?

When evil resides behind the mask of Prince Charming… your perfect partner is the stranger. The con man, the opportunist, the master manipulator, liar, thief, adulterer, pervert… Narcissist! An unrecognisable person whom the very thought of chills you to the bone, leaving your once rampant hot blood running cold. What do you do?

It’s tempting to build a wall of protection that could rival Berlin around your very being, to crumple like your once sweaty sex sheets on the floor, to gather your army of bitterness and fire killer words without aim, or simply to retreat. Hide away licking your wounds of shame, despair and sorrow.

Then what? You live alone, to afraid to move on, to be vulnerable again, scared to be happy because you know – you just know it’s gonna happen again!!! Nope not me, I remember the lessons that mama taught me. This time I may go a little slower, I place my feet with a touch more caution, but I get up. Over, and over again. After all you can’t keep a good woman down.

Despite the new knowledge of his continued and deepening disgraceful behaviour now in my possession I feel strangely calm. I’m no longer shocked. I feel no shame. No hurt. No fear. No hatred. No self-pity. I’ve cleansed myself, literally and figuratively. I’m Shiny and new. Not the same person in any way shape or form, but I love that. The fear of the unknown, the anticipation of the life that is waiting for me forces my heart to beat faster and stronger than it ever did before. Any pain or hurt I may feel in the future will be embraced as it simply tells me I’m still alive, I’m taking risks and I’m living really living!

Now I’m forearmed and protected after all I now know the stranger once in my bed.