Starting over

The little things

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There are many things in life that make me smile. Things that for such a long time I had lost.

After D Day happened, I was at my lowest.  I had to find a way to survive, a reason to get up each day. 

Maybe it was my subconscious trying to keep me afloat, I don’t know, but what I do know is, in that dark time I learned something new.  I learned to take each day as it came. As shitty as it might have been, I learned to look beyond all that and to find the joy. And I did. Sometimes in the smallest, trivial of things; a flower, a rainbow, a smile from a passerby, but mainly in my boys.

Oh those two.. Everyday, between them they brought and still bring me so much joy; so much so, that I couldn’t possibly put it into words – certainly not in any way that would do how I feel for them justice. 

But after a while; me a single mum, working hard, running the home, managing the bills and all those other millions of things that we juggle day in day out, well, it started to feel like a chore. 

I no longer got the satisfaction in the same way I once did. I still found true joy in the little things, but I also felt a hole. 

A deep sad hole. Something was amiss. A part of me that meant so much just wasn’t there. 

I knew what that was. It was love.  

And just then, out of the blue, there he was. It was a huge surprise to none more that I! I fell fast and hard. And everyday still, I feel myself fall a bit more. 

I’m a thinker. An analyser. I hate it but it’s me. So in my typical style I have on many occasion found myself questioning why has this one made an impact? How has he not only taken down my walls, but pulled up the bloody foundations too… well that answer is simple. 

It’s the little things. All those silly, simple, little things that when added together make a force to be reckoned with. A force so strong that I am rendered powerless.

Our dates are special, each completely unique. Some lavish-luxury hotels, champagne, chocolates – amazing!  Others a simple stroll on a windy beach in autumn, a bubble bath with coffee. His and her wine- delicately picked by him knowing I would laugh at his soppy purchase or just a simple night watching Tv, warm on the sofa together.

But that’s all just stuff. Anyone could do that. Right? So what else? 

Well it’s him. Simply put it’s just him- His gentle and considerate nature;  the warm car so I won’t be cold when he picks me up, the silly videos he sends to cheer me up on a crappy day, the flowers I receive when I’m sick. The way he leaves his comfies at my house when he goes away (knowing full well that I’ll wear them to just to feel close to him). The “good morning beautiful” messages that start my day with a smile combined with the “I love you beautiful” ones that are the last thing my sleepy eyes see at night.  There’s oh so many examples of him just being him that to list them all would be tiresome (and would likely give him a rather large ego!). 

But more than that, he knows me. He gets what I need to feel safe. What I want to feel joy. And what it means for me to be sad. And he either holds me whilst I ride it out or he makes it better. And I feel it. 

I feel it in his smile against my temple when he holds me. The strength in his arm, wrapped tightly around me and the resistance I feel from him trying not to let me go- every time he embraces me. The way he cups my face as he stares deep into my eyes- every time knowing to question what’s going on in my crazy head or not. 

So today im blessed that I don’t have to look very far for the joy in everyday things, because now I have him and he knowingly or not serves them right to me in all the little things he does. says and is x 

 

Calling “Bull Shit” on New Year, New You!

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New year new you Many people across the world will be sitting on this, another New Year’s Eve, the metaphorical and literal brink of a new dawn, reflecting on what was and contemplating what may be.
Making promises to themselves that this is their year. New Year, New Me!

Not me… I’m calling Bull Shit on “New Year, New Me”!

Almost everyday for the past 15 months I’ve looked back. I’ve analysed every detail of my past life with fresh eyes, with the benefit of hindsight and with the new knowledge I’ve gained along the way.

And you know what…Nothing’s changed!

The past is still the past. Nothing, not one thing has changed, not one iota. (Not that I would actually want it to change! But there we are)!

Conversely, I look ahead. I plan for the future, I set goals and targets, everyday. Milestones no matter how small or insignificant they may seem, they help me feel like I’m moving forward in some guise or another. One vitally important thing has, through this exercise, engrained itself in my mind; No amount of planning, wishing, hoping or believing will change the course of destiny. What will be will be. It’s that simple!!

I’m not saying don’t have dreams, and I’m not encouraging that you lose faith, far from it in fact. I’m not even saying don’t change or make plans to change. But do it despite “New Year”. Do it today, NOW. Tomorrow. Next week. Whenever you feel the need to change something in your life just get on with it. Don’t wait for the next birthday or the next New Year. Just do it now!

As a society we punish ourselves so much, always feeling less than. Always wishing we were more, could do more, earn more, love more. And with that and the dawn of a New Year comes massive expectation to full fill those wishes.

For what?

To punish ourselves that our resolutions failed before work starts again on the 4th. To look back and agonise, full of regrets of opportunities missed in the year gone by.

So why bother?

Why do we Insist on jumping on this band wagon year after year?

We just never learn!

So I sit here choosing to ignore the hype and instead select to bring in the new year with my boys. The only people in this world who know what my heart sounds like from the inside. And that makes me happy. We let off a Chinese lantern to mark the occasion, a symbol of letting the past go and bringing in the new with love and light. But that’s it – it’s just a symbol. I’m not going to dwell, but just live in the moment.

I won’t spout any clichés about my blessing and losses, I’ve done that enough over the course of this divorce journey. Nor will I make promises or resolutions only to be disappointed if the universe has other plans for me. I’m just going to wake tomorrow and see what this crazy life has in store for me. Come what may, whatever is waiting to greet me I’ll deal with it!

I’ll learn my lessons, in the moment and I’ll course correct accordingly. Right there and then!

So I say Bull Shit to New Year, New You”! And instead I say “Happy New Year to the best you you can be today tomorrow and everyday!”

To constant evolution.

To being kind to ourselves.

…Because we all deserve it!

People watching

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People watching

I love people watching. Strange hobby some might say, but seriously I just love it!! I could whittle away hours nursing a venti decaf black Americano whilst the world passes by under my watchful eye. I don’t get to do it as often as I used to, I mean, let’s face it as a single mother of two it’s a bit of a luxury to even contemplate giving myself the time to sit and just be, let alone to enjoy this “me time” outside of the home with a steaming hot cup of deliciousness as my only companion. Now bubba’s in nursery part-time, I feel like I’m finally getting my house in order, so I will, without regret or hesitation allow myself this luxury (and so should you!)…I’m getting my people watching mojo back! And as with every little step I take, each milestone I hit on this crazy journey of mine it feels good. Different but good different.

At one point in time… (Pre D day) I have to admit, my people watching had, well, a judging tone to it. Ok let’s be honest here, I was a complete bitch!!! I just couldn’t help myself, sneering and commenting on the unsuspecting beings going about their daily routines just outside the dirty Starbucks window… what is she wearing? what’s he doing with her? Worst of all “oh my god that kid is ugly”… ( I know as a mother that’s a terrible thing to say, but let’s face it some kids just are  aesthetically challenged.. Fact!!). Now on reflection maybe that harsh critiquing of people whom I know absolutely nothing about, (and I mean literally nada) was my own unconscious unhappiness untamed and unleashed on the unsuspecting, undeserving general public! I guess hindsight is really a wonderful thing in teaching us about ourselves.

Anyway I’m pleased to report that these days not so much criticising happens during my fav past time (once again, maybe this is a reflection of my own new peaceful, positive state of mind?)
So with my (large) mug of joy in hand I claim my spot on a soft and soggy velvet armchair, get comfortable, and watch. I ponder the individual stories of those who catch my attention.

To set the scene of today’s vigil, It’s a couple of weeks to Christmas. Lights sparkle with festive gloriousness casting a warm, hug like glow on the marble floors of the usually stark Trafford Center. The shops won’t open for another hour yet but already there’s a soft buzz of activity as the more organised of us “get in early to beat the crowds” hustling to stock up on the perfect gift for that special person. The shop workers rushing around setting up for another day greeting and serving the foot soldiers of consumerism who undoubtedly won’t  take the time to say thank you!

I sit, now slightly cooler decaf in hand and watch. The man on the mobility scooter, the pretty (overly made up) young lady talking animatedly on her on her phone.

The man with his son. He’s kept occupied watching him play mischievously up and down the walkways. He’s tall and dark, handsome in a rugged unkempt way, the little boy white blonde, a toddler with an infectious smile and giggle that would melt the coldest of hearts stumbling as he perfects his new skill of walking. He is so, so happy playing with daddy. From my corner I feel their love. It makes me smile but inside a pain threatens to claw through my chest. I look away and my gaze is caught again. Yellow and blue polyester. Necktie and waistcoat, smart and clean. In fact perfectly turned out. She gently passes me by pushing her massive utility trolley adorned with cleaning paraphernalia; brushes, mops, sprays, bottles, bin bags you name it she has it. She sees me looking and we catch eyes. Almost immediately she looks away, looks down.

No!!! she thinks I’m judging her. I’m not! Guilt flashes though me. I’ve made her feel bad!
Only a moment passes until she looks at me again, I smile at her in a vain attempt to tell her I’m not casting judgement on her. This time she holds my gaze a moment longer, her eyes are tired, sad. She breaks away again and buries herself in her work.

Then it hits me. She doesn’t think I’m judging her at all, It’s all in her eyes. It’s shame! She’s ashamed to be seen. She’d rather be part of the fixtures, behind the scenes. Invisible.

I begin to wonder why. who is she, what’s her story is and what journey led her here, to this place of sadness and regret.  Was she a high flyer, who for whatever reason fell off the corporate ladder and is now doing what she can to pay the bills, whilst being thankful she’s at least working. If so,  I know she often wonders why this happened to her. Where did her life go?
Or maybe she is a single mum who has always struggled to make ends meet and although she is grateful for the wages she works so hard for she can’t help but feel there’s just no point, what’s it all for? Life never gets any easier.  Maybe she has lost and love one and with it her own joy.

Whatever her story, whatever her reasons, to that lovely graceful lady cleaning the Trafford Center; you have no reason to be ashamed (if that was indeed what I saw in your eyes) or to be sad. You take pride in yourself and in your work, that much I can see. You work hard and I’m sure you are kind and honest, all things to be proud of. So you maybe down on your luck – (according to your own standard), or maybe life has just changed for you, who knows – I definitely don’t but what I do know is this. Whatever your battle, you are still standing and that says a lot. You picked yourself up and got on with it, you’re still getting on with it. Your doing your best and that’s enough, so take a moment to be kind to yourself, forgive yourself… you deserve it. X