A year of firsts

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I sit here this morning, this bright yet chilly September morning, reflecting. I’m melancholy, I’m confused. Honestly I’m a disaster zone, a mass of war-torn wreckage scattered with the landmines that are my pent-up emotions; poised to explode at any given moment often with no trigger other than a flash of memory. A momentary lapse of concentration allows my mind to veer, accessing the part of my brain that I have done so much to lock away. Pulling forward the lovely comforting warm memories of what life was like precisely one year ago.

Sept 24th 2014 I was smitten head over heels in love. Drugged with happiness holding my new baba Albert close to my overwhelmed, ready to burst heart, surrounded by my little family; Oliver the doting big brother and him… My “husband”
Things were at last perfect. I couldn’t have been happier.
I watched as my big strong yet often silent husband tended to our fragile, shiny baby boy.
So gentle, so loving. And all the pain from the past year was gone. This was our time. This was going to be the making of us. We were so happy at last.

We had already had a tough year. No a shitty fucked up year. A year in which “he” turned my world upside down. His selfishness, his fear of truth, his lack of morals or respect drove me to the brink of insanity over and over again. Little did I know that things were about to get much, much worse.

A year of discovery, of firsts eagerly awaited my arrival. The first affair I discovered, the first illegitimate child to another woman, the second the third. The gambling, the lost jobs, the many married women, the prostitutes, the divorce papers, the loss of my job, the criminal charges he claimed against me, the lies he told… All to keep his secrets safe.

Now one year on I’m still holding my babe in my shaking arms whilst I read the complexed documentation
that landed on my doorstep this morning from my lawyer. My divorce lawyer.
The documentation which picks over the bones of what I believed to be our once happy marriage. 11 years with a man whom I loved unconditionally. The man I put on a pedestal, only to watch him fall. Try as I did to catch him he was, and still is determined to hit the self destruct button whilst all I can do I stand by and watch.
And there, right there lies the source of my confusion.

This is the fate he chose for himself. This is the result of his choices not mistakes, conscious decisions. He took all I had, everything I built for us and threw it away with such vengeance, such disregard for the consequences, not just for him and I but for those around us but especially our children.

For that I hate him. Yet conversely I see his fate, I see the darkness that is heading his way, the shadow that he will forever live under is slowly wrapping itself around him and he is oblivious. His sad existence consumes me. I pity him. He does not deserve my pity but nonetheless I do.
I have spent months-12 to be clear trying to understand my part in all this and now I do. I see it clearly. He was, no is, intimidated by me. My success, my friendships, my ability to love, to show empathy. To live a clean regret free life and he hates me for it.

Now I’m happy with my boys. I’m celebrating all I have, and every single day I feel blessed to have these two amazing characters by my side. I no longer love “him” and I no longer think about “him” and I know for sure that I never want him in my life ever again. So as we teeter on the edge of the one year mark I can’t help but to reflect on this past year of firsts. But now I look back and I see this year of firsts differently. I see a year of watching Oliver turn into a beautiful young gentleman, of Albert, babbling, smiling, crawling, walking, eating solids. I see all those amazing moments that we created together and most importantly I see a new year of firsts on our horizon. One in which he won’t feature.
So in this new year of first I will stand strong, I will smile at your craziness, I will pity your sad existence and I embrace all you have to throw at me good bad and indifferent. I will continue to celebrate the joys of my life and I will love my boys enough for both of us!

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