I wonder a lot! About everything.
I wonder how I got here, I wonder about a million “what if’s”. I wonder if I’m doing a good enough job of these two precious lives in my hands, but most of all I wonder about the future, what it holds for me and my boys.
Then I decided to stop. Just like that. Just stop worrying, looking back, fretting about what may or may not be. To stop procrastinating, to remove the mystery of the unknown and grab life by the balls and live my life the way I want to live it. This in part was driven by the need for change (which is bizarre given the amount of change I’ve gone through lately) but also in part from reading a quote which really resonated with me;
” if you cannot find the story you want to read, write it yourself”
As someone who has been defined for the past two years by the tragedy of my story this really hit home and provoked my curious wonder to take a new perspective. What if I write my own narrative? What if I’m my own hero? What if I don’t need a villain to make my story interesting?
There are so many amazing things in this life that we all dream of doing, seeing, feeling, experiencing, yet we plod through life never getting around to it. Why?
Maybe it’s because most of us have never really realised how quickly everything we have, everything we are, everything we believe in can be taken away.
Through my turbulence lessons have been learnt, and now I realise that living life for today is the only way I want to live, moreover it’s a lesson I want my boys to learn.
I cracked open my Bucket list page on Pinterest, poked a metaphorical pin in the middle, and voila Northern Lights here I come.
Not only is this something that I had dreamed of doing for as long as I can remember but I also longed for some quality time with Oliver.
Credit card in hand, him and I set off for Reykjavik leaving baba with my family for a few days. The Blue Lagoon, the Golden Circle, the Geysir’s and the Northern Lights all firmly in our sights.
What sights they were! We saw rainbows of massive and frequent proportions, Magnificent Waterfalls roaring with splendour, Barron landscapes scarred by molten lava now hardened into its own kind of beauty, Dancing multi coloured lights in the vast dark sky’s of the North Atlantic sea, Boiling, aggressive jets of water sent soaring 30 feet in to the freezing Icelandic sky by the force of mother nature herself…the list goes on.
In amongst all this I saw something much more important. A healing child. A boy becoming a man. One of the two loves of my life growing and learning, letting go. I saw him relate to me like he has never done before, we are friends. We have respect for one another. We talked, we laughed, we explored.
Now back home, baba in my arms I don’t wonder if we will be ok. I don’t wonder if I’m doing a good job in raising decent human beings with self confidence and a moral compass to be admired, I don’t wonder about what went wrong. But, I wonder what will top Iceland. New York? Tokyo?
Only time will tell , but I can say bucket list item number two is in planning…I can’t believe we haven’t done this before.