moving on

Happy birthday to you!

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Feeling so sad tonight. Sad but good- bizarre I know, but hey that’s me!

You see, there’s somewhere I should be tonight, celebrating someone whom I used to think of as family, and vice versa. I should be on the arm of someone whom I thought was my forever, but I’m not. I guess that’s just life, right?

Love comes and goes, and with it happiness (as we tend to couple the two together-regardless of if that’s true or not) and all we can do is learn to take the ups with the downs, as I have a million times over, and you know what, I’m A ok and now I’m good, truly! I know it’s all just part of this crazy path we call life- knowing that all that matters is living in the moment, enjoying all life has to throw at us, be it with or without someone to call mine. I’m happy just being me.

Would I wish it were different? That I could pick up the phone and celebrate you in person? Of course, but it isn’t and whilst that’s not my choice – I’ll respect it. it just is what it is.

So I’ll do it here instead. Maybe you’ll see it, maybe you won’t. Either way it actually doesn’t matter. I’ll know I said it, thought it albeit – from a far.

However and strangely, as sad as I am today, I’m not angry or bitter about where I’m at today, in general I’m very happy with my lot. I have so much to be thankful for and that’s something I never take for granted. but today I will reflect and sit in this sadness of what could have been, should have been, and tomorrow I’ll wake and carry on as I always do. This too shall pass.

Anyway Happy 60th birthday to you CP! I hope you enjoy the party. May life bring you all you need, want and love. xx

Just fuck off! 

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So as expected, with it being buba’s birthday – the inevitable parcel arrived. The token “I’m a good dad” bull shit! 

I tell you it makes me so mad! So absolutely infuriated. After everything especially the latest lawyer letter.  (oh and trust me when I tell you even you will gasp at this one. So pardon the slight digress here...)

So there I am at work, minding my own business and an email pops up from my lawyer, her preamble reads; “J, I am anticipating your response but I have to conduct due diligence”! 

Well that’s not a good start. 

What now?

What could be the next thing to hit me? 

What the fuck could he possibly want? 

I tentatively open the attached letter, from his solicitor. My eyes start to scan and although I’m reading the words I struggle to comprehend. It reads…

“Sadly our client has hit financial hardship, and would like to request that your client financially support him. We feel this is a fair request, as to date he has not asked for anything financially or otherwise from Miss ..” 

I read it over and over, my mouth hanging in aghast! And I start to laugh. 

Really? 

I mean really? 

This guy is beyond unbelievable. I’m in shock!! But credit where it’s due, what a pair of balls he has to dare ask me, ME to HELP HIM!!! He lives a lie with me for 12 years, stealing my youth, my money, my life, my happiness, my career, my confidence, my mental health to name just a few, but I should support him in “his fair request?!”

I dial my lawyer. The second she hears my voice she says “J, I know what your response is” to which I reply, “is it tell him to fucking swivel?”. “Erm, Something like that, yes!” she retorts.  

She laughs, in as much shock as I, and continues to tell me that on this occasion he actually isn’t lying, after all he hasn’t ever asked me for anything- he just took it!! Ok I’ll give her that one! 

Anyway that was that! 

So now here I am looking at this box. The smooth brown surface littered with his child like scribble.  I have no interest in what’s inside it. I throw it on the side and decide I’ll bin it later. 

O, being the curious creature he is, wants to open it. 

A fisher price till. Not much thought gone into that one. 

But not so bad I guess, at least it’s not a German speaking toy this year- (clearly no woman doing his shopping for him now!) But the thing that really got me was the card. 

He babbles away like fucking dad of the year, gushing about how he had one of these toys and how he hopes A has as much fun with it as he did!  Then the “Love Daddy” sign off. #definedaddy #definelove!

As O reads the card I can literally feel myself recoiling. Bile riding up in my throat from the pits of my stomach, my face contorting in sheer disgust. I want it gone. I want him gone! 

The fact is I have worked so, so hard to remove any trace of him, or us from my life, our lives- mine and the boys, that the thought of having anything in my home that his hands have touched makes me feel physically sick! 

It’s so transparent so pitiful and so selfish of him to continue to do this. Pop up twice a year (Christmas and birthday’s) all the while telling himself it’s for the boys,  he’s doing the right thing!

Well I’m calling Bull shit on that one!

I know it’s just to remind us of his presence; he’s so scared of being irrelevant, forgotten he just can’t walk away.

Well one way or another this is over. I sit now and contemplate how to bring this to an end once and for all; 

A letter from my lawyer demanding no further contact, perhaps? 

Return to sender with a do not contact us again note, possibly? 

Not known at this address? Hmm! 

I’m not sure yet,  but one thing is for sure, no more! I’ve held my silence for two years now, and I’m done. He needs to understand we don’t care. We never want to see, hear from, or think of him again. Ever! 

So to you Neil, just FUCK OFF!! 

The moments that matter

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Thursday June 2nd. The final goodbye. So many people. Friends old and new. Family travelled from far and wide all together for you. To celebrate you, to cherish you. To say a last goodbye. 

As painful as these moments in life are, I know I have so much to be thankful for. I look around me at all these faces, all brought together for you. Each one holding memories, stories and loving thoughts of you. You are part of them, as you are me. Still living and breathing through us. 

I watched with sadness and huge pride as the new men of the family, your wonderful grandsons carry you up high. Arm in arm, shoulder to shoulder, with steady, lovingly placed strides they accompany you to your final sleep. 

My boy O, only 14 years old, would not be turned. Try as I might to convince him that he didn’t have to do it, he was as determined as you would have been… carry he would! And you know what, I’m so glad he did. 

I have always been proud of my boys (of all the boys), but in that moment my heart was truly overwhelmed with such love for that young man. Stoic, composed, mature, and looking oh so handsome in his new black suit. He took his responsibilty seriously, lavishing all his attention and focus to ensure the proper delivery of the task in hand. 

He did you proud. They did you proud. 

It’s these moments that matter. When we are all together. Crying, laughing, hugging, caring and sharing. This is what life is all about. 

Family. 

Love. 

United in you. 

So now what? Life goes on…

Harsh but true. 

But know this little one; you will never be forgotten because you will live on; in those boys, in me, in your children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles and friends. As long as there is breath in our bodies we will share our stories of you and you will live on X 

Good night God bless X 

Absolute

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So yet again I’m late on posting this but better late than never I guess… I’m finally pleased to say that as of April 4th I’m no longer married.. And do you know what I’m still alive. Still smiling. Still doing what I do. I cannot lie and say that I don’t have the odd wobble, in fact a few days before I received this letter I called an old pal of mine mid “breakdown”.  I was breaking my own heart at the fear of getting this news. I knew it was coming and the thought of it, my marriage, being final filled my stomach with the darkest of dreads imaginable. 

I called this specific friend as she has recently been through a divorce, she knows me and (sadly) him too.  In that moment I needed someone who got it. Someone who wouldn’t judge me, or worse be concerned about me. As strange as that sounds that was and is still a big worry for me- God knows my friends and family have endured enough holding me upright of late that I just cant put them through anymore. So I picked my sounding board accordingly.

Anyway it turns out she was the best person to call, she totally talked me down from the ledge. I explained to her how I felt, the darkness consuming me, the dizzying confusion, the deep deep sadness. How I couldn’t understand why I felt so sad, so unhappy about thought of the end when really it was over two years ago, or even long before that, after all it was never real to begin with.  I wasn’t sad about him, or was I? Help me!! 

My little yoda explained to me that the sadness is due to me grieving for the life that I knew, that I built, that I loved. The life that was taken away from me. The life that will never be. 11 years of shared dreams, secrets, fears, desires, fantasies. All those nights spent planning and moving forward toward our very own happy ending, the one in which we joked about him pushing me in a wheelchair (on account of my crappy joints and dodgy back gained from years of dancing), along the beach to watch the sunset. All now just words floating on the mist, dreams dreamt never never to be realised. 

This was the cause of my tears. Not any level of pain caused by a lost love. And do you know what she was, is so right. Once I stopped over thinking; trying to understand what my sadness meant, it all made sense. So then only a couple of days later when the letter arrived I filed it right away with the mountains of paperwork caused by the various lawyers I have funded over this past 18 months and got on with my day. No drama no fuss. Full stop. And life goes on. 

From here on out April 25th is no longer my wedding anniversary but rather just another day. It’s deleted from my diary, but will always sadly be in my memory. 

I’d like to end this post with two notes, firstly to my yoda. Thank you. Your strength, empathy and wisdom helped me find that final peice of the puzzle that I so desperately needed to move on. And move on I have. Love you J! 

Secondly to all the Ladies out there who find themselves in this state. Know this; it’s normal, it’s temporary, and you will get past it. Please, please do not confuse sadness with a need to take him back. Do not allow the pain to take over you, it’s cancerous and it will swollow you whole. Lean on your friends, family, and this little blog sphere of ours to find your strength for us. 

  Onwards and upwards is the only way!!

His Mum. A can of worms?

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Catch up

I recently apologised for being MIA and neglecting my blogging, trust me when I say this isn’t because I haven’t had anything to say in fact quite the opposite is true but being a working single mum is hard and I literally haven’t had time.

So I want to fill you in… let’s go back to just before the Christmas holidays…

Dec 15th, the run up to Christmas and my heart started to ache thinking about “His” mum. If I’m honest she’s not really my kind of woman- way too needy and pathetic for my liking- (maybe that explains a lot about him?) but she has always been nice to me and we do get along. Anyway her birthday was approaching as was Christmas and I couldn’t help feel sorry that she was missing out on so much with A. After all, none of what’s happened has anything to do with her so why should she suffer as a consequence of his actions, especially when so many others are already suffering as a result of his dirty hands?

*As a bit of context to this tale her other son, has two children that he allowed her to get close to, only to then walk away from them leaving her reeling in the pain of missing her grandchildren. Seeing her struggle with the injustice of that situation first hand for 11 years plays on my conscience. I’m not sure that I can do that to her again.

So after a number of long pep talks to myself…literally out loud…I found the courage to call her. Not knowing how she would respond had me anxious and nervous, pacing the room and chain smoking. I hadn’t spoken to her since Christmas 2014 when I took A to meet her for the first time. That meeting was awkward and unsettling to say the least. There was the largest pink elephant in the room that she did not want to acknowledge- to the point that she never even mentioned that fact that I was at least half the size that I was the last time we saw one another. Stoic and aloof she sat making small talk until we were done.

And that was that.

Things then between him and I took a nasty turn with all the threats, criminal charges, the lies, my job, the move back home, my breakdown. All of which fed into my fear of not speaking to her.

Too afraid to contact her to tell her what was happening for the risk that he would twist it in to some kind of harassment, stalking or slander accusation. So I didn’t. I stayed silent. She in turn NEVER contacted me either- not once. – her excuse was she had no contact detail for me which isn’t true, I had the same mobile number until Christmas, the same email address and she had my mums address… if she wanted to get in touch she could have.

Anyway I digress, but the fact that she hadn’t been in touch led me to contemplate what stories he had told her.

Honestly this one had, and still has me baffled. I swing from left to right like a child’s ball aimlessly rolling around in the wind. One day I’m sure he hasn’t told her a thing, maybe just that I won’t let him see the baby or I’m not returning his calls or messages… to the next day when I’m convinced that he has told her I’m some wild crazy woman stalking and blackmailing him all over Germany and she needs to stay away.

So all this was swilling around my mind as I picked up the phone and called her number. Sweaty palms, pounding heart. Would she welcome me? Would she hang up after delivering a barrage of abuse at me? Would he answer?

Then the ringing stopped and there she was. It took every ounce of energy in me to control the tremble in my throat as I said who I was. A held breath; a pause just long enough to assess her reaction… thankfully she seemed genuinely pleased to hear from me. Her voice soft and calm, she asked how I was.

After the niceties were done I explained my position; I’m happy for her to see the boys if she wants to, but I would also understand if she would rather not given the situation. She immediately jumped at the opportunity.

Surprisingly though, she requested that we do it after the holidays. Huh, that had me stumped. Her birthday was only a couple of days away and Christmas just after that, so I would have though she would like to see them as a little treat to herself during this time of love and forgiveness. Later that one all became clear when I found out that he had been home for the entire festive period and well in to January. It was clear she didn’t want him to know we were speaking!! That was good news for me.

We left the call with the agreement that I would contact her after Christmas to arrange a time and date, but not before she questioned me on why I had blocked her from Facebook. I strategically chose my words; “the situation between him and I was that sever and volatile that I had to remove all contact for mine and the boys’ safety” pause for reaction.

None came.

Strange… maybe he had said something? Maybe she felt as much? Maybe she just didn’t want to know?

I left it alone and tried where I could to have a great Christmas with my babies and family.

Then I started work in January, we all got ill. One after another for (I’m not joking on and off for two whole months) then came the last round of Narc manipulation and control; the threats he made on the run up to the court date. Then mine and O’s trip to Germany- which as you will note from my blog Sky’s Above caused me a large amount of anxiety, so all said and done contacting her just didn’t feel right. Dangerous. And simply put I just wasn’t ready for another battle or to expose myself and the boys to more pain and sadness.

After my trip to Germany and it seemingly all being quiet I felt that the time was right. So I called her again, March 24th and we arranged to meet on Easter Monday at her home.

I arrived with the plan that his name would not be spoken from lips.

Upon arrival I was bright and breezy, chipper as my southern counterparts would say.

My tone set the tone of the day as she in return was sweet and pleasant. The conversation was all around A & O, general chit chat you know. As I left I firmly told her that I was happy for her to see the boys as often as she liked. She had my number and to let me know when she wants to see them again. So that was that. Another fear faced.

Maybe I’ve done the wrong thing, maybe this will come to bite me in the ass when he finds out we are speaking, or maybe this will give him another source of supply, feeling like I’m doing this to be close to him… that couldn’t be further from the truth. Who knows. One thing I will say is I’m not going to waste my precious time and energy thinking about it. What will be will be… lets just see how long it takes for her to get in touch, that’s of course if she does…

The Gavel Fell

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I realise that I have not yet posted an update following my post day of reckoning so here it is.

The night before court

Wed Feb 10th 2016. Baby asleep, O doing his homework and me soaking in the bath. My head spinning with sickness. I flit (as I so often do) between tears of fear and of anger, but today more anger. The bath, my only solitude, washing away the signs of my sorrow. The vacuous sound of the taps flooding my surroundings with steaming hot water drowning out the deafening noise of my sobs.

The words still jumping from the page, replaying over and over in my mind as they have done since I first heard them through my lawyers’ voice on Monday.

“If your client refuses to settle out of court and agree to my clients demands he will move ahead with his legal right to raise a civil case against her for the illegal obtaining of his personal data”

Yes, I had access to his data. Access that he gave me when he begged to come home after D-day. It was one of my many conditions in allowing him home, and one he agreed to freely. And I have emails to prove it. But given my past brush with the German law (thanks to his mucky hands), it’s guilty until proven innocent and I simply don’t have anything else left in me to draw on if needed to fight.

I’m scared. Really scared. My O wants so desperately to return to his adopted home. To see his friends. The friends who carried him through things that no child should ever see or hear. Friends that he won’t ever see again if he makes good on his threat.  Right or wrong how can I do that to my boo? My principles and stubbornness don’t count any more, as much as I hate it, I have to agree… you all know as a parent its engrained on us to protect our children. An innate desire to see them happy. My boo is not happy. And god only knows how that kills me each and every day. If I don’t agree we won’t ever be able to return to our beloved Germany without the dread and embarrassment of being arrested as a result of his lies. His desperation. His cowardliness.

Anger sets in

I lie, still in the tub… my sobs quieten… my breathing quickens.

How dare he threaten me again after all he had already done! How dare he harass me again! How dare he try in his typical narcissistic bullying style to manipulate me so he can get his own way! How dare he dictate to me what I must do!!

Then the thought strikes, he doesn’t have any control here, he is the scared one not me!

I am prepared to stand in that court room and answer whatever is thrown at me. To have every last transaction for the past 12 months scrutinised. After all I have been honest. A trait that simply escapes him, a word he will never know the meaning of.

I had to ask myself;

“What was it that was holding him back?”

Seeing me? Maybe…It’s possible that I am the mirror he just cannot face; I am the reality that he is running from. Out of sight and out of mind for so long, now due to stand face to face and he cannot bear the thought.

No that’s not it.

It’s the fraud. Yes, THAT’S it.

You see, I showed my hand in the questions I raised on his, well, fictional financial documents. Documents that not only demonstrated, yet again, how little he thought of my intelligence whilst ironically proving his own lack of intellect.

Did he not think that I would spot the four police fines for solicitation? The interest hitting his account from a USA trust company- an account he failed to declare! The gaps in rental payments, the lack of utility payments and the transfers in and out to Gabi… (One of the MANY Other Women, whom, as a side note has a surname which literally translates to Limp-leg… Or as I prefer Lame ass! he he), would I not realise that he was living with her? Nor did he think I wouldn’t see the bailiff payments for his failure to pay council tax, or the blatant TAX evasion.  Oh what about the 54,000-euro loan that he claimed to have! The one he somehow managed to get on his 80K salary without any asset to secure it on. One for which there is no evidence of anywhere in his accounts never mind any repayments being made…

The penny has dropped…He cannot stand in a court room and answer questions on these so called “facts” without either being charged with perjury or fraud.

Gumption

I rise from my hide away tub and go to the office, wrapped in a towel but still dripping, my skin prickling as the cold air hits. Lifting a pen and a piece of paper I begin to weigh up the pros and cons of what’s on the table. The “agreement” I must abide by to avoid prosecution was nothing more than a joke. Obviously it’s stacked in his favour. If I agree, as it stands then I walk away with little more than a week’s childcare worth of money as my son’s maintenance.

Nope. That’s not how this was going to go. I turned my pen to making a different list. A list of my demands. My gumption was on the rise. I spill all that anger, all that pain on to the stark white A4 paper positioned square in front of me.

All of a sudden I feel light. Warm, despite my now chattering teeth.

The day of reckoning

I rise early. I prepare to look my best. I’m prepared to go in there and fight but more importantly I’m prepared to walk away with nothing and that gives me strength. It gives me power to overcome his attempts at intimidation. After all I’m secure in the belief that truth will prevail, and if nothing else, I stood up for what I believed in.

My thoughts are disturbed by the sound of my ringing phone. The name highlighted, illuminating the inevitable conversation with my lawyer.

She, in her usual forceful way launches in to her “Right now what we need to do is… blah blah”.

“Stop Christine! I have made some decisions and I wont be changed. I need you to take these down and tell him it’s this or court.”

“Ah ok”

I start to talk, after each point she intervenes “but a court wont agree to that” or “That’s more than he would have to pay if…”

Again I stop her.

“This isn’t about what a court would agree, this is about seeing exactly how scared he is of facing his judgement day, of seeing me, of risking prison.” “it’s this or court!”

“Ok” the line goes quiet. I dry my hair, smoke another cigarette.

I arrive at my mums’ house two hours before the time we are due in court, 45 minutes before I meet my lawyer. My phone buzzes with the dulcet tones of her calling me. I answer with trepidation.

“Its done!” “he agreed it all” she goes on “I tell you, you are one smart cookie, I cannot believe that you have managed to get all that from him!”

I’m speechless. I’m elated. Yet I’m weirdly empty. I had prepared myself for yet another “worse day of my life” moment. It’s gone, it’s over… I won!!! No court, well at least not for me. She and his (and again I use this term loosely, lawyer- (£500 all in lawyer)) go and have it all legally agreed so it’s binding. No wriggle room here big boy. And that’s it.

I go in to mums house, and I cry. Sob in fact. I hear mum, upon hearing me cry “what’s happened, what’s wrong?” All I could muster was “I WON”   She held me tight as she has done ‘oh so many times and I feel her shake in her embrace.

A couple of weeks have now past and the thought that he just wouldn’t sign, wouldn’t follow through continued to plague me throughout. But sign he has. The money has, well for A’s support at least, hit my account- so far so good.

So that’s it. I now choose when to make the divorce final, but I have one last condition that needs to be settled, but once it is I’m out. He is someone else’s problem. Or in his case many other people’s problem as from what I see there are still many more outside of “LAME ASS” … buying what he’s selling.

I’d like to end this post on a note. To all you ladies fighting with this system, these disgusting cowardly men, stand strong. Know yourselves and what you are worth. Don’t be bullied or scared by Narcissistic tactics and know when they hit out like this its because you called them on their bull shit. They’ve lost control and they hate it.

Who knows he may have already plotted my demise, I certainly don’t think I’m going to get away with this long term. he will strike again. But I won once and I will again. So too shall you!

 

Another milestone

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A couple of weeks ago one of my followers commented on one of my previous posts asking why I hadn’t or if I ever planned to write about “D Day”.  My reply was that it was just too painful to do so at this time but yes I eventually would.  Then last week this photo appeared in my Facebook memories feed…The announcement of my second pregnancy. Posted two years ago to the day, Feb 28th.

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It took me right back. To that place. You see I posted that picture tagging him in, strategically. And, as expected, within moments my news feed notifications sprung alive with messages of congratulations and love for me and my husband from friends and family near and far. I sat alone in my big cold German home with tears gushing down my sullen face watching the tally rise into the hundreds, comment, like, comment, like. I honestly don’t think there was anyone in our network who hadn’t seen it. Good.

You see what most people didn’t realise was that on this day, one of the two happiest days of my life, or what should have been was actually the worst. Known forever more as D Day…

My husband had left me for another woman only a matter of hours previous. Me 10 weeks pregnant. My posting of that picture- when the only other person in the world who knew at that time was Oliver, was not in celebration, to share my joy with the world, it was out of anger. If he was going to walk out on me I was going to make sure everyone knew that he had left me pregnant.

The following day also happened to be another significant day. Feb 29th. A leap year. 11 years ago to the day we got engaged. I’m not sure if it’s poetry in motion or an evil twist of fate that these two things coincided the way that they did, the beginning and the end of something wonderful nestled next to each other, hand in hand like sleeping twins… so close and yet so far. 11 years of a love cherished, memories made, traditions created, dreams realised, hopes shared, pain halved, struggles survived, successes celebrated and a child raised. Gone in the blink of an eye.

I sit today thinking about these two dates, the significance of yet another couple of milestones achieved, anniversaries past and rather than be sad about it, I’m celebrating. I’m celebrating because these dates just crept up on me. Without warning or notice. Bang there they were. Telling me that I’m done, at last; I was no longer dreading events, counting the days- forever looking back, I didn’t even notice that these dates were here already until they appeared on my feed.

Does this mean I’m healed? Well I wouldn’t go that far i clearly have a lot of issues to deal with (you’ll hear more about those soon) but one thing is for sure I am on my way. And that makes me smile. So today  I smile signing my divorce papers, knowing that i won. I won Financially, Emotionally and Physically, and i have my boys to celebrate with.

For those of you waiting to hear about D day you will. I’m ready. So watch this space over the coming weeks!

Sunday Mornings

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Our churchToday I’m in a funk. Actually I’ve been in this funk for a few days now. Maybe it’s just the time of year, dark gloomy weather combined with the memories of the past Christmas, my first alone in oh, such a long time. My first with Albert. Or possibly it’s just sheer exhaustion gained from a gregarious baby who is simply refusing to sleep! Either way I’m feeling low.

I shouldn’t really be sad, I mean I sit here today cosy in my warm home, the wind blowing a gale outside my window. Albert’s snuggled in under my chin watching Christmas movies both of us in our pj’s and Oliver still in bed… He is a teenager after all. What could be better?

Well it’s Sunday morning. Which for as long as I can remember was my time. Prior to our moved to DE “he” would take Oli out for an adventure and give me an extra hour or two in bed. Bliss! We playfully called it “daddily duddly” time! The “adventure” itself may have only been going for a hair cut or a trip to the supermarket but let’s face it, time alone with daddy to a little boy is always exciting.

Oli loved their mornings together. On their return he would babble away about the games they played whilst driving; who won at eye spy and that daddy cheated, as always! Him beaming at his happy boy and the fun they had. A proud daddy for sure! Me happy with the love in my home. Life was good!

Then we moved to DE and the ritual of me time continued. The only difference being without the sleep. I would potter on in to town to meet my ladies. Two amazing ladies might I add!

Sunday morning breakfast became our church. We complained about the kids, the husbands, the other mum’s, chevron stripes, work etc but we always laughed. God we laughed! Especially when it came to ordering (in our broken German) which often went something like this…
“drei Omelettes mit Schinken und Käse bitte”
“drei?”
“Ja.”
“mit Schinken und Käse?”
“Ja!!!”
“Omelettes?”
“JA!”

Her-Huffs gets stress, cannot understand three women ordering three breakfasts.

Us- roll eyes, giggle- why doesn’t she get this? Every week it’s the same ritual?? Seriously even our German isn’t that bad!

During the summer we would sit outside basking in the sun for way too long; batting off calls from the kids fighting back home, or texts from the hubby asking where we put whatever unimportant object he couldn’t find, because it’s not right under his nose.
We would plan our next outing – generally a beer festival of some kind, or just a good old drinking session! During the winter we moved inside drowning in layer upon layer of German winter protection!

We would reminisce of times past, friends absent – still missed, but we always laughed. Regardless of the seriousness of the topic of the day these ladies knew just how to take any situation and take the piss. Even surviving cancer didn’t escape our gentle teasing!

On the occasions my ladies and I didn’t meet, “he”, Oli and I would do something together. Go to a flomarkt, visit a new town, go for a bike ride or simply go for breakfast together in one of the hundreds of cafes on our doorstep. It was great family time. Once again I felt so blessed for the joy and love in my home. Life in my eyes couldn’t have been better. Clearly he and I were not on the same page…he took advantage of my “me time” to get some “him” time  and the second I left the house he dashed off to shag his slutty mistress of the day!

After “D day” breakfast with my bitches continued but now we had a new team member in Albert!
Loved and pamper by my girls the poor kid was swapped between them a million times during those few hours together.
The laughing had slowed as they listened sympathetically to whatever new piece of information I had to share on the state of my once happy life and marriage. Even after weeks and months of story’s of his disgraceful behaviour they still sat and listened to my endless whining. Always offering support, words of love, of strength.
Often shocked at the new revelation but yet not surprised. Even back then, with the little we knew of exactly what he had been doing, we wouldn’t have put anything past him. He was capable of anything! And has proven as such a million times over.

Those breakfasts were my sanctuary, my safety, my sanity! And today they are still so precious to me, so much so, as I sit here today I miss it so much it hurts.

God bless you ladies and the memories you’ve given me. I hope and pray that this Devine universe will one day give us all Sunday morning breakfast together once again!

xxx

It still hurts

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On this exact day 12 months ago I visited my estranged husband in his new flat. At this point he had been gone just over two months and we hadn’t spoken a word in over a month.

He just went AWOL in typical narc style he just shut me out, totally and completely. Like I never existed, we – he and I, our children and I never existed.

He was shocked to see me there, understandably so, as he never expected that I would find out where he live. Find out I did. And so there we were. Dead of night, snow on the ground and over an hours drive from where I lived, we lived. Standing face to face.

On the drive over I was terrified what I would find there, how I would react actually seeing him. What he may say. Would she be there? But when the moment came it was clear he was more petrified than I.

Calmly I told him I only wanted a few moments of his time, that I had a few things to say and then I’d go.    He stepped aside and let me in. Observant as always I couldn’t help but notice his pitiful existence, our old garden furniture as his dining room table (actually there wasn’t a dining room just a kitchen and living room, no bigger than out old family bathroom). No niceties, no photos. Just his books and DVDs adorning the nasty ikea shelving.

Big shot Director hey?!

Sitting in the corner I spy a pair of Dr Martin boots. The rebel in him, of course he knew I hated them; we used to joke about him “not being allowed” them, so it’s not a shock to me that the second he is “free” he goes right out and buys a pair… #midlifecrisis!

Anyway I make my way in and start my well rehearsed speech. Me perched on the window sill, him on the edge of the old sofa bed from Oliver’s bedroom, his  eyes firmly set on the floor. I tell him that I forgive him. That he is a good man. I don’t care who he is with or what he is doing but I can’t allow him to make the mistakes he is making without at least trying to make him see sense. That the only people who really matter in all this mess are the boys. Our boys. All we need to do is to pull together; communicate and we can make it work without hostility or conflict. We didn’t have to be “one of those couples”

Albert is in the car seat in the floor. He hasn’t even looked at him. I remove him gently from his harness and place him smiles beaming on his knee. I tell him that he loves to sing “if your happy and you know it”. To my surprise he starts singing it, clapping Albert’s hands with the rhythm. Albert of course giggles and charms in his special little way. My heart melts.

For a moment, he is smiling, engaging, I see the old him. The him I fell in love with, not this shadow of a man who is now no more than a stranger to me. But it’s over as quickly as it began, as he takes to his feet and hands Albert back to me. And he’s gone.. Retreated back in to his new cold hard emotionless shell. Never to be seen again!

And so we are done.  I leave but not before I see him hide his tears. The mother in me wants to make it better, I’m compelled to. I place Albert down and I hold him. At first it’s awkward. He just stands there, then slowly he let’s go and holds me back as he cries. I tell him everything will be ok, to let it go.

Ops..I hit a nerve. He pushes me away and paces up and down the room, animatedly telling me I don’t understand; he’s done so many terrible things, he had so much to deal with. I offer to help. I’m refused.

I leave to take the long, cold and frankly dangerous drive home but I feel calm. Hopeful. There’s a part of me that feels like I’ve reached him. Now I’ll give him space and when he is ready we can then move forward.

A couple of weeks later. My optimism is shattered. Divorce papers. Filed on Nov 2nd. He had already filed when I saw him and yet he never even mentioned it, and his reasoning…such lies. I mean not slight exaggerations just out and out lies.
Here’s a snippet! ” he was trapped in our marriage due to me being totally and utterly dependant on him for everything” “I treated him like a Slave” “I never took any responsibility for the home or the raising of my son from a previous relationship!”

No mention of his affairs, his illegitimate child – 6 weeks older than Albert, or the fact that I was the higher earner and supported him out of work on three occasions, that he moved in with me in to my home, I did all the running around with Oliver, we had a cleaner in the home and I did all the cooking and shopping, paying bills etc

So I ask, define slave please? define dependant! No let’s go with an easy one-define trapped!

Little did I know at that point exactly how much of a liar he really was, a real fantasist. But it wouldn’t take long for that story to be told..and sadly it’s not done yet!

Day after day more information comes to me. Most of which I ignore. But I can’t help but wonder where did he go wrong. Where did we go wrong? What could I have done to help.. I mean I know this isn’t my fault but maybe if I had seen the signs earlier it might not have got this far.

Then today, 12 months on I receive yet another surprise package of delightfulness. Videos (of the xxx nature), messages between him and maybe another 6-7 women, lots of photos of more women, new ones, some have children. More innocent lives in the process of being ruined.

My stomach turns. My hands shake and I light a cigarette.

It still hurts!

For Fuck’s sake! It still hurts!

I hate that it gets to me and I’m choking on my own words even saying it, but it’s true. I don’t love him that I know, and I’ll never ever have him in my life again but it hurts to see this.

The sweet photos quotes he used to send me now go elsewhere – in multiples! He plays with someone else’s child yet ignores ours… Where’s the logic in that?  He clearly likes being a dad or maybe it’s just easier to get a single mum for a fat, overly hairy yet balding middle-aged man wearing Dr Martins, the kids just part of the deal.

That aside and back to me; Degraded, stupid, embarrassed and sad. That’s what this does to me, still 12 months on. Will it ever stop?!

Missed call

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February 25th 2015 was the last time I spoke to my narc ex. I’d like to say the conversation was a good one but that would be a lie. Having said that, given the context it went as well as could be expected. It was calm, no shouting or name calling, no anger, which in all honesty is what I was prepared for. You see this was the day I sat with him holding in my hands his deepest darkest secrets. Exposing all he has worked so hard to hide for an entire life time.  I stood with him pitifully crying right in front of me as I told him of my discoveries; the tens of affairs, the prostitutes, the children, the grandmothers, the married women, the escorting, the gambling… All of which I had factual information on-names, dates, emails, photos you name it I had it all. Evidence so strong even he couldn’t deny it. He didn’t even try.  I had uncovered the real person in him.  Of course I had every right to be angry. To be upset. After all our marriage was a joke. Nothing more than sheer fantasy, a cover story for his depravity. Yet as I listened to his “I’m sorries” and “I’m going to make it right’s” all I could feel was compassion. I actually felt sorry for him. I mean who lives like that?  He is clearly Ill. He needs help. I wanted to help him. Maybe it was the maternal instinct in me but I wanted to hold him in my arms, rock him gently to a peaceful sleep, the kind of sleep that had escaped him for years under the weight of his dual life. He seemed almost relived that it was out. He was shocked, shocked that he had underestimated me and my ability to see the truth, of that I’m sure. Mortified that he had been de-masked, but relived none the less.

We parted ways. He left with my words of promise that I would never reveal the real him to a single soul. That I would help him through this. After all he was my best friend for 11 years and that’s what friends do. Right?

A few text messages passed between us over the following week. All nice, supportive messages, me telling him not be overwhelmed, for him to forgive himself, for him to remember that he is a good man. Just a man who made mistakes! Nothing out of the ordinary and certainly nothing that would suggest the plot he had hatched to silence me. that was heading my way. I had no idea the lengths he would go to in order to keep his front in tact. I had in fact underestimated him… Massively.

Then the messages stopped. Just like that. Then came the police.

Blackmail?

5 months of terror followed. Stress so sever that I lost my hair…along with almost half my body weight and my entire bank balance (and some) to lawyers! All to defend myself against his lies.

But not one more word from him.

Until now.

A missed call. It came almost two weeks ago now. And it’s played on my mind every day since. What could he possibly want now, after all this time, after all he had done?

Nothing im guessing. Nothing but to mess with my head. His narcissism will be craving the attention, he’s looking to feed the beast within.

I ignored the call. I had no intentions of responding in any way shape or form. But then the dreams started. Well nightmares actually. Night after night the same scenario played out during the dark wee hours…I’m in a flat, I don’t recognise it but I know it’s his. I discover recording devices in every room I enter. I’ve been set up. I start to run for the door, remembering to wipe my finger prints as I go. Then there he is. He is running from me. Scrambling in his dressing gown up the grassy verge outside the kitchen window. His face flushed with panic. Then I’m alone. Outside. It’s dark. I have no idea where I am and the Barron landscape is cruel not allowing me any signs of familiarity. I wake. Dazed upset confused.

For the past two weeks I’ve tried to figure this out. Until yesterday when I remembered something my therapist said to me when all this started. He told me that before I react to any situation – or make any decisions to step back and think of my future self. To see her stood in front of a mirror thinking of this moment. Will that lady be regretful or happy about the choice she made? He always told me that I have a surprisingly strong moral compass, and that despite the bs that has been thrown my way I have stayed true to my values and beliefs.

As I sit and think about that, let it resonate within, I ponder my choices and one keeps coming back as my real only choice. I have to respond. Not for him but for me, for the future me. Even if it is a game and all he wants is to see if he can get a reaction I don’t care. His motives are of no importance to me, my promises and values are. I always said that I would be there if he wanted to contact me, and I told myself that I would do whatever it took to bring this nonsense to an end. Promises men nothing to him but they do to me, so in the spirit of holding my end of the bargain I replied. Simply saying ” I’m assuming this was a mistake? But wanted to extend you the courtesy of double checking”

No emotion. No fluff.

He read it immediately but still hasn’t replied. I didn’t expect him to, deep down I know he wanted to see if I would reply, and I did. I have fed his ego. But that’s fine, I have silenced my mind. And slept well. that’s what matters. My future self would be proud..