Reflections

2017 is here. It’s landed!!! 
For those of you who know me or whom read last year’s NYE blog; “calling Bullshit on New Year, New You“, you’ll know that I don’t subscribe to the hype; the resolutions, the expectations and the regrets that the dawn of a new year brings.  

However, despite my best attempts, even I cannot ignore the innate desire to reflect on the year gone by. 

With fireworks aglow in the night sky behind me, memories play through my mind like a silent black and white movie. I see the faces, feel the emotions, and meander through familiar surroundings taking in all the sights, sounds and smells that make them so comforting. The intensity of recall sends me in to a momentary sensory spin. 

On one hand, I’m swelling with warmth. A glow emits from me as I reminisce my fondest moments spent with those I love. The boys learning, playing (sometimes fighting) and growing, the laughing with friends, the celebrations and milestones hit, let alone all the joy that comes with new love. The discovery of one another. The romance. Pure glee. 

On the opposing hand, I feel an eeriness akin to that of the eyes of a stranger on my back. That feeling of being watched, followed, trapped- out manoeuvred even! 

My blood runs cold. 

Sadly there were too many of those moments, caused by his dirty hands. The ex. Still two years on, (even up to just a few weeks ago) doing all he can to disturb my equilibrium. 
But those moments are fleeting and passed, and frankly were attempts made in vain. On reflection they make me smile. Yes bizarrely, despite the pain caused, the anguish felt and the tears cried, I smile because I’m still winning the battle. 
         

His bitterness  vs. My silence

I’m in no doubt that 2017 will continue to serve me this balance, I mean let’s be honest here no one gets it all, and as I have so much to be thankful for I have to expect the odd visit from the fuck up fairy- right? 

Anyway, today I stand here taking the first step of my 365 day journey of 2017 (which FYI has been amazing thus far) and I smile. I smile safe in the knowledge that I’m loved. I’m appreciated. I’m protected. 

I’ve grown and learnt lessons, some good, some bad and some indifferent but they have all contributed to shaping me, in carving my path and now I’m contented with where I am and who I have become. Now as 2017 unfolds before me I’m optimistic. I have my new love by my side, a new career to build and a new home to create for me and my boys. 

Roll on 2017; I wait with eager anticipation of what you have in store for me, for us. X 

 

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